Matt Ralston's Blog

Why The President Should be a Pedophile

Feb

19

2020

Right now we’re at a point in time where half of all people will hate the president, no matter who he or she is or what actions they take. If an actual saint, who spent her teenage years picking up trash on the highways, then became a Rhode’s Scholar and started a giant tech firm ...

How to Listen to Music

Feb

5

2020

Music is my least favorite thing to talk about. The careers of various artists and bands, what is good or not, when it’s all quite similar, I find this conversation boring. Any song that people like is a hand full of chords with some versus, a chorus, and sometimes a bridge. It’s marketed to different ...

Why Many Average Republicans Now Believe They Are Political Strategists

Jan

22

2020

I’ve been talking to a lot of Republicans lately because I don’t want to feel like I’m in a bubble, so what better way to counteract that than engaging with a group of people who statistically speaking all believe the exact same things. Many of them feel under threat for their beliefs. They feel as ...

This Nazi Loser I Grew Up With

Jan

3

2020

That awkward moment when you notice some dude who grew up in your neighborhood flashing a White Power hand signal at a Nazi rally. The dude in the blue Kansas City Royals World Series T-shirt and the tough guy tattoo kit from the back of the Spider-Man comic. The dude with whom you share 13 ...

Democratic Candidate Fight Rankings

Nov

14

2019

With all that’s going on in this presidential race I thought it important to rank the remaining candidates based on who could kick the most ass in a fight. After all, the average American voter has complete shit for brains, and factors in various other extraneous criteria such as who had the sickest burn in ...

Lessons From The Apple AirPod Guy

Nov

5

2019

I couldn’t tell if I would get used to looking at people wearing Apple’s new wireless headphones, or AirPods. The first twenty or so times I found myself jerking my head over and wondering why this crazy person was wearing earphones with no cord. I assume most people wearing headphones in public aren’t actually listening ...

LeBron James Perfectly Articulates Why Liberalism Isn’t Working

Oct

21

2019

After LeBron James made himself a popinjay of a transparent asshole by criticizing support for the protests in Hong Kong in the name of his (in the case of Nike, inhumane) business interests, he continued talking about the issue, cementing himself as a guy who is much less rhetorically savvy than he thinks he is. ...

LeBron James and This Gross Convenient Activism

Oct

16

2019

Last week Houston Rockets General Manager Daryl Morey tweeted out a rather innocuous statement supporting the protesters in Hong Kong who aren’t too happy about being ruled against their will under China’s highly repressive totalitarian communist regime. China then responded authoritatively, as one would expect from a totalitarian regime, and cancelled some NBA events under ...

Olivia Jade Invalidates All USC Diplomas

Sep

13

2019

It’s unclear if Lori Laughlin will do prison time for paying to get her dunce of a daughter Olivia Jade Gianulli into USC. That would really piss me off if I paid $250,000 to get a degree from that institution, because here’s what nobody wants to mention in regard to this case – Olivia Jade ...

How to Win at Fantasy Football

Aug

19

2019

I have won money in my fantasy football league each of the only four seasons I have participated. And here’s my dirty little secret: I don’t really like football and I rarely watch it, but all of my friends are fervent fans of the game, which makes their losing to me quite pathetic. This article ...