2014 - Page 4 of 7 - Matt Ralston's Blog

The Laziness Behind Kim Kardashian’s Popularity

Jul

8

2014

This chick haunts my dreams. She was sent to earth to lower standards for human kind. I was sitting around and got angry that I have to see Kim Kardashian’s face all the time. Its presence makes no sense if you think about it. She was a B-list porn actress born to a scumbag most currently notable for ...

The Insane Clown Posse Vs. The FBI 2

Jun

25

2014

I had no idea that Jugallos, the the proudly menacing symbol of rustbelt urban and cultural decay, are officially considered a gang by the FBI. I checked out the FBI’s website, and apparently 1.4 million people in the U.S. are in 32,000 known gangs identified by the FBI. If you divide it up, that’s about ...

Ten Dumbest Things People Ask You About Alaska Part II 2

Jun

24

2014

I got so many emails in response to Part I of the dumbest questions about Alaska that I had to make Part II. Many of these were submitted by readers, and these questions were asked by adults, supposedly with normally functioning brains. 1. What’s the elevation here? Appropriate if you’re standing on top of Mt. McKinley, but unfortunately this is ...

The Ten Dumbest Things People Ask You About Alaska 123

Jun

19

2014

I get asked at least one of these questions every time I meet a stranger and tell them I’m from Alaska. 1) So, is it like, light all the time? Yes. In Alaska the sun shines all day and night for the entire year. The sun revolves around it. 2) What is Alaska like? Alaska? ...

Why Last Comic Standing is Illegal 4

Jun

15

2014

And American Idol. And any of the other bullshit shows where old hacks judge talent for obese Americans. For those unfamiliar with the format, Last Comic Standing starts with a tour through several American cities, and invites people to audition for the opportunity to compete on the show and win $250,000 dollars. In each city ...

The Sheriff Pride Parade

Jun

10

2014

I went to the gay pride parade on Sunday. It was fun. For those unfamiliar, there are two events in West Hollywood every year where the streets are blocked off for extremely gay celebrations – Pride and Halloween. When this happens, the city employees a squadron of West Hollywood Sheriffs roughly twice the population of ...

Why Priest on Priest Marriage isn’t a Bad Idea.

Jun

6

2014

I recently read an article about a movement pushing for the right for Catholic Priests to marry. I had assumed this movement wanted Catholic Priests to be able to marry women, which is absurd, because everyone knows that priests are either asexual, homosexual or pedophiles. Hence their decision to enter a profession during their sexual ...

Why #YesAllWomen is Pretty Dumb 2

Jun

2

2014

On Friday May 23rd a mentally ill person whose name I will not mentioned stabbed his three roommates to death and then shot three people to death from his car while wounding many others before killing himself. Prior to this rampage he posted an abhorrent youtube video in which he expressed interest in killing women ...

The Wasted Potential of Aaron Hernandez

May

27

2014

As Aaron Hernandez awaits what will surely be a lengthy prison sentence, one cannot help but think what could have been. Over the course of his 3 year NFL career Hernandez put up impressive averages of 1 murder and .33 shootings per season. Had he not become so flippant, so cocky in his effortless talent ...

Why I Hate Guys who Live in Bad Neighborhoods in L.A. 2

May

22

2014

To be clear, I don’t hate all guys who live in sub-ideal parts of Los Angeles. I don’t hate the hard working people of Lincoln Heights, Arlington Heights, or Ladera Heights. I don’t hate the families living in Winnetka, Sun Valley, or Hawaiian Gardens, who have owned homes there for generations. Nor do I hate ...