matt ralston

Dogs Are Creeps

Dogs Are Creeps
An awful lot of people seem to consider their dogs as people the days. A true friend. A member of the family. Well, let me ask you something; why does one of your family members enjoy snacking on cat shit? How come your buddy is licking his balls inside of Trader Joe’s? Certainly, there must ...

All Doctors Are Creeps

All Doctors Are Creeps
I don’t trust medical doctors. I believe that mostly all of them are repressed psychopaths. It’s not normal to see the insides of someone’s body and remain calm. That’s why soldiers get post traumatic stress. A caveman would have a panic attack if they pried someone’s ribcage open and saw their heart beating and then ...

Rain Dove’s (probably) Fake Hate Crime is Gross

Rain Dove's (probably) Fake Hate Crime is Gross
When I first read that genderqueer activist Rain Dove was pepper sprayed by an anti-trans bigot for looking like a man in a public women’s restroom my first reaction was, no she wasn’t. Didn’t happen. Rain Dove, I believe, made up a story, actually faked a hate crime, and succeeded in having her name placed ...

If Watergate Happened Today Nobody Would Give A Shit

If Watergate Happened Today Nobody Would Give A Shit
I remember when Watergate went down, I was a young boy of 13, unfamiliar with the ways of the world. I watched as a nation went through the stages of denial, grief, and acceptance. Actually I was born in 1982, but that’s how I imagine it. I suppose I could talk to some baby boomer ...

Duncan Hunter Proves San Diego Voters Are White Trash Douchebags

Duncan Hunter Proves San Diego Voters Are White Trash Douchebags
I don’t mean the people of San Diego, I like them, mostly. I like 80’s cover bands and steroids and dated tattoos and blaming unprovoked physical assault on the PTSD you sustained while watching South Park in your sprawling colonial emcampment while never being deployed. I like white people. The kind who smile at you ...

Aren’t Republicans The Ones in the Bubble?

Aren't Republicans The Ones in the Bubble?
It’s become fashionable for Fox News pundits to dismiss progressive people as “living in a bubble.” Like most everything else on Fox News, this is idiotic. The “bubble” is supposed to symbolize an isolated community full of entitled ill-informed individuals who know nothing about life in America outside of their little circle of abortion having ...

DeMarcus Cousins Is Elite At Getting Technical Fouls

DeMarcus Cousins Is Elite At Getting Technical Fouls
DeMarcus Cousins, a perennial contender for the NBA’s league leader in technical fouls, was ejected from Saturday’s game against the Knicks. What makes this an impressive feat is that Cousins was not suited up for the game, as he is rehabbing from an injury, so he managed to get ejected from the bench. This takes ...

If You Don’t Think Trump Is A Piece Of Shit You Are Stupid

If You Don't Think Trump Is A Piece Of Shit You Are Stupid
“It has not been easy for me. And you know I started off in Brooklyn, my father gave me a small loan of a million dollars.” That’s a direct quote from Donald Trump, at a town hall event, on October 26th, 2015. It’s also, to put it politely, an egregious lie. His father actually gave ...

So Elizabeth Warren is Pretty Bold

So Elizabeth Warren is Pretty Bold
Elizabeth Warren just released her DNA results. It turns out she has some Native American ancestry dating back 6-10 generations, making her somewhere between 1/64th and 1/1024th Native American. Hmm. Contrary to popular belief, Warren didn’t claim minority status in her college applications. She did claim she was a minority in a commonly referenced directory ...

How Shitty Are The Fucking Eagles?

How Shitty Are The Fucking Eagles?
The Big Lebowski is my favorite movie of all time. I’m not saying it’s the best movie of all time, it’s just my favorite movie. I hadn’t thought about how shitty The Eagles are until I saw that scene, where The Dude is riding in the cab and he’s having a bad day, and he ...